No one belongs here more than you*

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I came across this blog Broken Light, recommended by wp because it’s followed by someone I follow and I think I know who. On this blog, people who are suffering from or affected by mental illness submit their photos and add some words about their mental condition. And I suddenly felt this urge to submit something myself. I didn’t, but if I had, it would have been something that goes like this:

I do not suffer from mental health issues, but someone I know and care about does. And I think it cost us our friendship. I never thought of it that way really, but I think it is important to acknowledge this more than I have. Not because it allows me to think: it wasn’t my fault that this friendship went down the drain. I know it wasn’t. I could not have saved this, no matter how hard I tried or how much I wanted it. But it’s not his fault either, or his choice. And although I knew that, it didn’t, and doesn’t, always feel that way. And also: acknowledging that his mental condition affected this relationship the way it did, is the only way for me to accept that I will never fully understand what happened and why. And that he will never be able to explain it to me.

I’m very fond of this picture, this landscape and the memories it holds. I took it a few days after we met for what must have been the last time, but I didn’t know that yet. It was so good to see him, and I was optimistic about our chances to reconnect. I’m not anymore. But it’s still a good picture.

*title taken from Miranda July’s stories.

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